The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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