Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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