I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
