i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We have started to decorate penises.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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