If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
