btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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