You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Everything about him screamed your future.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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