3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
