dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
