Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i think my cat just said my name.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
