I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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