her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
