I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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