Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
