if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
