U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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