Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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