his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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