I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
