At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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