It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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