i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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