when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
