I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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