You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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