Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
