I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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