can we get nightvision for the apartment?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
