You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
you never un-have a 4some
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
