what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
