So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
