I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
