Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
