Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
