The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
