somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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