My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
