hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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