woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
