I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
