I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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