i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
