just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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