good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
They should really pass out barf bags in church
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
