There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
