1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
