Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this just has baby written all over it
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
