The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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