here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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