i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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