Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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