Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
